Do or Die-t

Our new nutritionist, MaryJean, prescribed a 1,500-calorie-a-day diet for Karen and me if we plan to lose weight in a steady, healthy manner. (In case you missed it, I need to dump around 30 pounds in preparation for the procedure that will insert a catheter next to my belly button for a form of kidney dialysis.)

I tried to explain to MaryJean that I can do 1,500 calories just by poking my head into the refrigerator, but she suggested a slightly stronger form of self-discipline may be required.

The major problem with trying to diet while working at home is that food is never more than a few steps out of reach. Like the old Richard Pryor routine about cocaine, sometimes when I'm very quiet I swear I can hear the food calling out to me from behind the cupboard doors.

"Yo, Jim! Jimbo! Got some mighty tasty chips in here. Bar-be-cue, too, just like you like!"

"Hey, what about us pre-cooked bacon strips? You know you want some of this, Jimmy Mack!"

"Don't forget about us sardines! We're packed tight, but we taste right!"

Great googly-moogly, do I love to eat. Sometimes I think I really just like to chew. Maybe if I could develop a cud, or Karen could bring home a chew toy from PetSmart, it might serve as a reasonable substitute.

Karen found a Web site called MyFoodDiary.com where you can input what you ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and between-meal snacks and the site will calculate the amount of calories, fat, sodium, etc., that you consumed. We tried it for the first time today.

My breakfast was a piece of cake – well, not literally, but it was a simple computation for MyFoodDiary – a bowl of cereal with soy milk and a cup of decaf tea. I breezed through lunch as well, a simple garden salad with modest embellishments, and even the single serving of Skittles I had for an afternoon snack (thanks a lot to whoever brought over the Halloween candy!) wasn't too damaging.

But when Karen got home from work she appeared too pooped to poach, bake or broil, so we decided to GO OUT for dinner. Ooooooh. After some deliberation, we decided on Outback Steakhouse. We could order grilled chicken, rice, maybe a few shrimp on the side and a modest salad. We'll drink ice water, not pop. I mean, how bad could that be?

Yowza! Did we learn a first-night lesson! We blew the entire 1,500-calorie wad, and more, on that simple dinner alone. I feel like I should just relegate myself to bread and water, but I probably can't do the bread, either. This is all so new to both of us.

And will someone tell those sardines to shut up?