Death

I have gone back and forth over whether to share this with you today. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since it happened, so perhaps writing about it will prove cathartic. Let's see.

I experienced one of the most terrifying moments of my life over the weekend. It was a moment, too, no longer than that, and unlike anything that's ever happened to me before.

As I may have told you, I've been suffering from a chest cold of some kind for a week or so, distinguished by a bone-rattling cough that sends shivers down my timbers. It's been exacerbated by the fact that, because of my delicate kidneys, there's virtually no cough or cold medicine I can take for relief. On Saturday night, after hacking every 15 seconds or so while trying to fall asleep, I finally got out from under the covers and sat on the side of the bed in frustration.

Suddenly my coughs began coming in rapid-fire succession, one on top of the next, so quickly I could not catch my breath. My body began to shiver. My head pounded. I gasped for air. It felt like a giant ball of energy was gathering steam in the center of my body and trying to burst through the top of my head. I lost control of my bladder.

I actually thought I was about to die.

I felt my spirit trying to leave its mortal shell, and my body fighting to keep it inside. The two have been together a lifetime, you see, and breaking up is hard to do. I have never been around anyone at the moment of their death, but from what I've gleaned from people who have, what they have witnessed is very close to what I encountered.

The moment passed as quickly as it arrived, and I stumbled to the bathroom to clean up and make sense of what had just happened. I thought back to when I was a teenager and accidentally jumped into a lake much deeper than I expected. As I sank lower and lower into the darkening water, I was certain I would never see daylight again. My feelings then and now were eerily similar.

I thought about the suddenness and the inevitability of death. It's coming when it comes, and despite our  most meticulous plans there's not a doggone thing we can do to delay its arrival. I've always been a spiritual person and a practicing Christian, but I thought about how much closer I've grown to God since my kidney diagnosis and how guilty and hypocritical I feel about needing a serious life challenge to renew my faith.

I feel better today, and hope to be completely well by week's end. Thanks for the reminder, Lord. We are Yours, and in Your care. Today is a great day. I plan to live my life to the fullest until Saturday night's fever is more than a false alarm.