Cheyenne was feeling a bit grouchy not long ago. Nothing severe or particularly disabling, you understand – a twinge here, a dull ache there – but any time your live-in kidney shows the slightest signs of discontent, you tend to sit up and take notice.
She hasn't been inside me for a whole year yet! It's not even time to renew her lease!
Having someone else's organ sewn into your body, it seems to me, is like entertaining a long-term house guest: You want her to be happy and content in her surroundings, and if she is you almost tend to forget she's there. She becomes part of the family. But if you sense she's grumpy or suddenly not enjoying her stay, you rush to address her concerns. And so it was that I called to request an ASAP appointment with my very favorite nephrologist, the caring, grinning Egyptian, Dr. Attia.
A week or so later I was sitting in the lobby of the Carle Hospital wing in downtown Champaign where he practices. After having my weight and other vitals confirmed, I waited mere moments before Attia burst into the examination suite, an Omar Sharif lookalike, his perpetual smile beaming. "Jimmy, how are we doing?" he asked.
We sat side by side in front of the room's computer and reviewed my key statistics: blood pressure, protein, creatinine level, cholesterol. I don't ever remember hearing a physician using the word "perfect" to describe my body or health before, but Attia's glowing praise sent my heart into a happy dance. I take the care and comfort of Cheyenne very seriously, and I was delighted to see that my efforts were paying dividends.
"But Doc," I countered, "if all that's true, why do I keep getting these occasional twitches around the transplant site, and the feeling like something is pressing on the kidney?"
At that point he explained something I'd never thought about before, but that makes complete sense: Surgeons cannot reconnect nerve endings when they transplant an organ. It would be impossible to do so, even if they could keep you in the operating room for a month or two. So Cheyenne literally feels no pain.
Attia then looked at me, flashed a knowing smile and returned my attention to the computer screen. He pointed to a line of numbers on my chart that he had neglected to mention previously.
It was labeled, "Weight."
He said, "From the time of your transplant last November, you have gained 16 pounds! What you're feeling may be your increased weight pushing against the kidney."
In other words (he didn't actually say this, but he might as well have), "If you weren't so FAT, Mr. Piggy-Wiggy, maybe you wouldn't be feeling anything at all! Your poor little kidney needs room to operate, Chubbins! Just because a transplant allows you to greatly expand your food choices doesn't mean you have to eat everything in sight!"
Oh.
As it so happens, my amazing and admirable bride, Karen, recently embarked on a medically-supervised weight loss program called Ideal Protein. I don't think she would mind my telling you that she has lost more than 30 pounds in less than two months! I am so very proud of her.
I'm not saying I plan to lose weight by osmosis, just by being in her presence. But we have been eating much smaller, healthier portions around the house lately, and if I can avoid sneaking off to Steak 'n Shake when she's at work I may drop some poundage in spite of myself.
Hang on, Cheyenne! The cavalry's on the way! Breathe, girl, breathe!
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